Notes from Mommy
I have been living in such a daze the past couple of weeks, I haven't been able to clear my head enough to add comments to this page. It has been such an emotional roller coaster that I feel pretty drained.
Today is the first day I didn't go see Elizabeth. Alex was sick and really needed some time with mommy. Both he and Harrison have been real troopers through this and I'm very proud of them. It was hard to not go to the hospital, but the boys need to get back to some feeling of a normal routine in their lives. I don't know what I would have done without the love and support of friends and family that have taken care of my boys, brought in meals, covered for me in my church calling, done my laundry, painted the baby's room, assisted in blessing Ellie, and just remembering us in their prayers. Thank you all for all your love and support, it has made a HUGE difference!
It's been 15 days since this whirlwind started, and I am still living one day at a time. I can't really plan ahead very well, because all I can cope with is what's going on each day as I'm living it. This is a very hard thing for a control freak like me. I have had my world turned upside down and backwards and I don't do well with that. I have had to turn my baby's life over to my Heavenly Father and have the faith that He will take care of her and that he know's what is best for her and our family.
Watching Ellie struggle has been hard, but I have also seen that she is a fighter and won't give up easily...which should make for some pretty interesting mother/daughter talks when she gets bigger. Hee hee hee. One of her nurses told me yesterday that Ellie has a bit of a temper and lets her nurse know when she needs something. It's been really fun to see a personality in such a tiny person. She was responding pretty dramatically last night before Chad and I left for the evening. One of us would start talking and she would wiggle like crazy, trying to get close to us or communicate in some way with us. Then she would calm down, one of us would start talking again, and then she would start going nuts again.
It just about kills me that I can't pick up my girl whenever I want to. I want to cuddle and kiss and comfort her in her pain. I felt like I was going to explode with pain the night I checked out of the hospital to go home and had to leave her at Primary Children's. I cried most of the way home. I know she is in one of the best children's hospitals in the country and is getting the best care, but I miss not being with her and being the one to take care of her. The night after she was born, I woke up at 4:00 in the morning and decided I couldn't stand it and that I was going to go see my baby. So I got up, walked out to the nurses' station and announced that that was exactly what I was going to do. They were a bit surprised that I was choosing that time of day, and I think Chad thought I was crazy, but I went. I was so glad that I did, because when I got there, her nurse told me she was getting ready to give her a bath, and asked me if I wanted to help. I couldn't hold my baby and I couldn't nurse her, but I did get to give her her first bath. That meant a lot.
The boys don't get to see Elizabeth yet because it is still RSV season, and no one under the age of 14 (including siblings) can get in to see the babies until the middle of April. I'm really hoping she's not still in there then. We've had to come up with other ways to involve our kids in her life. Chad has taken pictures and videos of her and shown them to the boys, which has made her real to them. They have also each drawn Ellie a picture and both of them are taped above her bed. I gave both boys a small acrylic shamrock today from Ellie for good luck. They have been very sweet and remember her in their prayers. Alex has heard us talking about who Ellie looks like and that she has my hands and feet, Alex's head shape, etc. Today he asked me if Ellie had his tummy. I got a giggle out of that.
I
Today is the first day I didn't go see Elizabeth. Alex was sick and really needed some time with mommy. Both he and Harrison have been real troopers through this and I'm very proud of them. It was hard to not go to the hospital, but the boys need to get back to some feeling of a normal routine in their lives. I don't know what I would have done without the love and support of friends and family that have taken care of my boys, brought in meals, covered for me in my church calling, done my laundry, painted the baby's room, assisted in blessing Ellie, and just remembering us in their prayers. Thank you all for all your love and support, it has made a HUGE difference!
It's been 15 days since this whirlwind started, and I am still living one day at a time. I can't really plan ahead very well, because all I can cope with is what's going on each day as I'm living it. This is a very hard thing for a control freak like me. I have had my world turned upside down and backwards and I don't do well with that. I have had to turn my baby's life over to my Heavenly Father and have the faith that He will take care of her and that he know's what is best for her and our family.
Watching Ellie struggle has been hard, but I have also seen that she is a fighter and won't give up easily...which should make for some pretty interesting mother/daughter talks when she gets bigger. Hee hee hee. One of her nurses told me yesterday that Ellie has a bit of a temper and lets her nurse know when she needs something. It's been really fun to see a personality in such a tiny person. She was responding pretty dramatically last night before Chad and I left for the evening. One of us would start talking and she would wiggle like crazy, trying to get close to us or communicate in some way with us. Then she would calm down, one of us would start talking again, and then she would start going nuts again.
It just about kills me that I can't pick up my girl whenever I want to. I want to cuddle and kiss and comfort her in her pain. I felt like I was going to explode with pain the night I checked out of the hospital to go home and had to leave her at Primary Children's. I cried most of the way home. I know she is in one of the best children's hospitals in the country and is getting the best care, but I miss not being with her and being the one to take care of her. The night after she was born, I woke up at 4:00 in the morning and decided I couldn't stand it and that I was going to go see my baby. So I got up, walked out to the nurses' station and announced that that was exactly what I was going to do. They were a bit surprised that I was choosing that time of day, and I think Chad thought I was crazy, but I went. I was so glad that I did, because when I got there, her nurse told me she was getting ready to give her a bath, and asked me if I wanted to help. I couldn't hold my baby and I couldn't nurse her, but I did get to give her her first bath. That meant a lot.
The boys don't get to see Elizabeth yet because it is still RSV season, and no one under the age of 14 (including siblings) can get in to see the babies until the middle of April. I'm really hoping she's not still in there then. We've had to come up with other ways to involve our kids in her life. Chad has taken pictures and videos of her and shown them to the boys, which has made her real to them. They have also each drawn Ellie a picture and both of them are taped above her bed. I gave both boys a small acrylic shamrock today from Ellie for good luck. They have been very sweet and remember her in their prayers. Alex has heard us talking about who Ellie looks like and that she has my hands and feet, Alex's head shape, etc. Today he asked me if Ellie had his tummy. I got a giggle out of that.
I
posted by Lilacmusic | 10:52 PM
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